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Poof March 5, 2006

Posted by brianna in Verbosity.

Poof goes the hair. I swear, it’s standing out six inches from my head on both sides. And people wonder why I don’t like the south…the humidity makes me look like Bozo!


It’s been an exciting few days here, crime-wise. Last night there was a drunken screaming match in the parking lot across from the hotel entrance that we had to call the police about. Today, an hour after I come into work? A Mercedes is pulled over for speeding….and then gets towed due to lack of registration. While that’s going on, one of the golf carts in use for a local restaurant’s deliveries is pulled over for not having it’s lights on while speeding and having its music on too loud. While /that/ is going on, I’m being filled in on the stabbing. What stabbing, you ask? Apparently, while I was sleeping, someone got stabbed in broad daylight right across the street. Absolutely bizzare, as this whole area is West Palm Beach Rich. So, in two nights I see more of the police than I have in two summers in Maine!


This is my second night here alone. I love this shift – the reports and organizing and free time in between – feeling useful and competant without having to stand for eight hours and look alert. This is the fourth audit I’ve learned – not too bad. Every property and system is a little different, so I’m pretty chuffed about getting this one under my belt as well. By far the best job I’ve had – and this one is not even math intensive like the others are! My last property actually technically required an accounting degree for the position. That was a huuuuge audit. Amazingly complicated. But! I learned what takes most people six weeks in two, so, hooray for me.


I’ve not felt like writing much lately…an odd combination of greyness and just having too many things in my head to actually be able to arrange them into letters and words and paragraphs…like trying to pour a gallon of water through a straw. Religion and politics have been heavily on my mind these days, which perhaps contributes to the greyness? Who knows. Religion tends to make me feel guilty and frightened and uncomfortable, while politics just makes me ANGRY. I can’t watch the news, because I try to yell at the people who are really just reading off a promptor.


Let’s get the bare bones of politics out of the way first. This is just frustrating. I, personally, consider myself leftist…mostly because my ideal is ‘Let people do what they want so long as it does not hurt other people’. Yes, that is impossibly idealistic, but then, isn’t everything? How many products of the mind work exactly as in theory? None. Even the dreaded-by-Americans communism isn’t in itself bad, but is bended to selfish means through various people. As is any particular political party. Right now, I tend to vote for Democrats…often not because their platform is the only one I believe will work, but because the current Democrats running strive for particular things I believe will do more long term good than things Republicans are striving for – a more secular government (some of these things might be marginal, but I’ll vote for marginal rather than theocracy), environmentalism, a slightly better foreign policy, and social benefits (which I think we need, as nice as the whole ‘pure capitalism’ thing would be if it worked…). Bare bones, though – stripping away current party members and looking soley at declared platforms…either party seems equally good, when taken just as is. Both seem like they would work equally well if not tainted by human greed and ambition. They’re very different, but each stated purpose benefits the people. Great!


Now, I’ve also been reading blogs. I inhale these – I love to learn about other people, what they do, what they think, and if the writing is engaging, I’ll read them from top to bottom in a few hours. The blogs I’m reading currently center around a particular issue, and as they deal with a fairly politically charged situation, people tend to fall on one side of an issue or another. If you read each blog as an individual, each side looks equally convincing. Just like those bare bones platforms…each way seems like it would work well if you took away that whole ‘greed and advancement’ issue, and each side makes convincing points. I am very interested mostly because my media gives me a really odd picture, and also I, as a bleeding heart liberal, need to find a place to stand among it all. =) I’m tempted to say ‘both sides are right’, as much as they would likely violently disagree – from the outside looking in, both points of view make excellent points, and either side could likely settle things if they could only remove those human factors.


I am aware, though, as someone totally outside the situation, that I am in no position to judge or declare someone right or wrong. Because I simply have no way of relating.


My huge frustration here (I’m sure someone was reading that thinking a) ‘what the hell is she going on about, stop speaking in riddles!’ and b) Is there supposed to be a point in here somewhere?) is with the people in my position, way outside, in no position to relate at all, sitting in front of their computers declaring one person or another WRONG. Blink. Wrong? How on earth do you know? How can you tell? Have you ever been there? Besides, how can a viewpoint from someone living in a particular situation be declared incorrect and misguided by someone whose situation has never approached, touched, come into contact with, smelled, seen, or felt the other’s circumstances?


It would be like me trying to write a blog about what it’s like living in France by watching news about Paris, reading some newspapers, and reading a few blogs written by English speaking residents of France. Boy, would the French be pissed if I did that. So. If you do not live there, have not lived there, have not visited…please have an opinion. Please! But. Please do not mock, discount, or dismiss the views of people who know a hell of a lot more about it than you do. Also, calling them pessemistic liars probably isn’t the best course of action.


Thank you.


Did that make any sense? Perhaps not, but I feel a bit better.


Now! Religion.


Ha. Ha Ha. I don’t know why this particular subject has been on my mind lately, as I’ve pretty much avoided it for the last eight or so years. It frustrates me, it just always seems that the ideals put forth by religion would be so lovely if only for the people screaming at the other people who think the ideals are something else. I grew up Baptist, and I remember sitting in Church one day and thinking, out of the blue ‘This just makes no sense’. The pastor wasn’t trying to enlighten, or bring about revelation or peace or have people think on certain matters…he was using verses to decry society (which I don’t find useful at all – anyone who truly holds that set of beliefs already knows which bits of society they do not agree with), and started going on about sex on TV and how they use it to sell laundry detergant. This example has stuck in my mind for years. The whole thing made me uneasy – I never felt that sense of peace and joy various pastors and teachers predicted came with belief. I was scared. I recall freaking out when I was about eight years old…was I saved? How did I know? Perhaps I was fooling myself and I thought I was but I wasn’t and the next day I’d be killed and be in hell forever, but I wanted to be saved and I said the prayer but every Sunday all these people would stand up and talk about how they thought they were saved and realized they weren’t and if they thought they were perhaps I did too…. These are not issues an eight year old should have to deal with, and noone could give me a satisfactory answer. In my mid teens, I had a Sunday School teacher tell me it was bad to think about the Bible when we thought it didn’t make sense, because it was ‘Stinkin Thinkin’ (Yes. This is what she said), and was the devil trying to make us doubt. By that time I was highly suspicious of anyone who told me to /not/ think…and to not think about this thing which was supposed to guide my entire life? That seems rather foolish. If this path was correct, and I had a doubt, and studied the thing that was giving me trouble…logic says that, if I truly believed, I would eventually emerge with an answer and even stronger in my faith, correct? So, I peeled away, left with the fabulous Baptist guilt complex and an even more fabulous total repulsion for the church and how it made me feel.


God, any god, isn’t supposed to twist a person into knots, right?


So, now Brianna is drifting in limbo. She rarely meets someone in these United States who can speak about their particular religion without sounding rabid, vapid, brainwashed or pompous. Perhaps she is meeting the wrong people (and perhaps she should stop writing in the third tense!)


I would /like/ to be able to believe in something. But right now the concept of god is just a ball of neutral light in my head…directionless, faceless. Like the concept of ‘peace’, or my mental image of neutrinos… I can’t take religion and trust god will follow – doesn’t that cheapen the concept altogether? And there’s also the lurking secular college late night ‘religion is a sham’ convictions lurking around…and sometimes that thought seems to have merit. Not the belief in god itself…but the surrounding beliefs, and the actions taken place because of them. The sort of things that triggered the pastor’s fifteen minute rant about sex and laundry detergent, or the public humiliation of a girl in my church who got pregnant by her boyfriend and was made to stand in front of the whole congregation and apologise (for what? She offended god, not the church…), the picking and chosing of text to back personally held beliefs…augh, it makes my head hurt.


So, for the first time in years and years all of these conflicting thoughts are floating up and battling it out and I am so, so frustrated. I’m sure there are countless people who would love to ‘lead’ me to someone…but I also find myself violently opposed to being someone’s ‘conquest’…an attitude I saw time and time again while growing up. No, thank you.


The day is almost over for me…soon it will be time for me to sleep again. Work, sleep, I have no life…but I have two blissful days off in a row! Fabulous, whatever will I do? Nothing usefull, I’m sure, but oh well. I finished a third of some lovely dyed wool so perhaps I’ll work on getting another third done. Perhaps I’ll actually go and look at the beach – I’ve yet to venture down there.


This has been unusually issue-laden for me, and largely incoherant…but ah well. I’ll send it out into the world for people to roll their eyes at and just be happy that my word count for useless drivel is steadily increasing. Good morning, soon it is time for me to sleep!


1. thelode - March 8, 2006

. . . g l o r i o u s . . .

brilliant post. I won’t post anything substantive on topic other than I relate to much of your thoughts on religion. I think that might be due in part to somewhat similar or related backgrounds and roots. I will say that I’ve thought at times I’d figured something out and then I have been knocked down and hurt and put in a position where all the questioning recommences. I’ve investigated more than a couple of religions and attended quite a few too. I’ve given a few years of service in religion’s name. I’ve been reprimanded by a church. I’ve been through quite a bit I’d say on this subject. I’ve gone to a lot of school. I’ve been to a few places on the planet. I’m still looking for some more truth on it but I’ve found some peace with some things. I guess these things are what I would consider to be universal truths.

It seems that this journey in life, whatever it is, is sometimes easier to never question its meaning asking why and what is my place in the universe? I do think though, that by not asking that question it makes a person somewhat single dimensional and dare I say … somewhat shallow.

Fantastic post. I wish you my best in your quest for answers and truth, if it exists.


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