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Beep bop boop bop. May 19, 2006

Posted by brianna in Verbosity.
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I had eight hours to write this, but chose to work and knit and stare off into space instead. I am a champion procrastinator, I suppose. So, now, at this very moment, I am sitting in a restaurant drinking an iced latte and waiting for my breakfast. It’s 7:29 am. (I say this because I am writing this in word as this restaurant does not have a happy stray internet connection for WordPress to play with). A song featured on Bridget Jones’s diary came on the radio, and now I have a desperate craving for that movie, which I will watch immediately after arriving home, after throwing open the curtains to see the water all cloaked in fog and rain and abandoning my shoes and pantyhose.

I arrived in Maine in horrible weather after 14 hours of driving (From Pennsylvania, visiting my sister. The whole drive from Florida took three days minus visiting), at 2:30 am. I went right to work. Because I am awesome. The hotel is just as I remember it, minus landscaping. It’s so good to be back – already I’ve wandered over town and eaten at my favorite breakfast places. This particular breakfast place is quite neat – little stuffed cats everywhere, a staircase on which there is a fish tank, local art and newsclips on the walls, color everywhere. Day before last I stopped at a different restaurant and marveled at their fantastic bookcase filled with books sorted by color. Love it. There are so many lovely eating places here, and the focus tends to be on healthy food, even, so I don’t feel guilty for my splurges.

Speaking of splurges, another benefit of being back in town are the numerous yarn shops calling me from around the island. Oh, the yarn. I don’t really need more yarn, but I bought it anyway in celebration of finishing a hat and a pair of socks and a half of a pair of socks. Four pairs of potential socks came home with me. (I feel this is the most boring, utilitarian entry I have ever typed, a laundry list of activities, but a laundry list of things /happened/ so I might as well list them!) Right now I’m playing with a quirky cotton blend that reminds me of melted crayons, but my favorite is a wool/silk blend that reminds me of dragonflies…purples and greens vividly splashed all over. I saw it and it was /expensive/, but I wanted it very much! So, now it is mine.

While I was at the second yarn shop (my favorite), I was playing show and tell, as the pair of socks I’d finished were knit from their yarn. I also brought out some curly handspun to show. And they bought it. I was stunned – this is the first handspun I’d ever sold. Coincidentally, my entire yarn stash was still in my car, and I dug around and pulled out the Romney skeins I’d finished recently, along with a little skein of green fuzzy/bumpy kitchen sink yarn I had no plans for…and they bought those, too! So, though I spent $90 on yarn, I made $70 by selling it. It tickles me to think that someone I don’t know will walk in, and perhaps see my yarn and know just what it should be, and pay for it and knit it into something I will never see. To give something a life beyond you is an incredible thing with any craft…to know someone else will value the tool you made, the bread you baked, the hat you knit. A stranger saw in those objects the same value you did in making them and paid for them and will now use them for their own mysterious purposes. I enjoy imagining what they might turn into…a felted bag, an interesting hat, a fantastic scarf? Or, perhaps just displayed…souvenir yarn to squish and admire. Perhaps they’re wondering about me, contemplating the spinner – why did I choose these colors? What did I use to spin it? How long did it take? Did I have a vision? Lovely things to daydream about.

I managed to see every member of my family this trip – I went to Trivia night with my dad, took my mom to dinner and Starbucks and gave her presents, hung out with my brother, saw my sister and took her to dinner and saw where she was living and her workplace. It was nice – I’m the only person who gets along with all members of my family, so it’s useful to touch base with everyone. I snapped pictures of my sister with my phone and sent them around – my father hasn’t seen her in a year! Thankfully, everyone is doing well, and my kitties are doing well, and there were no real unpleasant situations to deal with.

It’s so grey here right now! There was one day of lovely sunshine (the day I went yarn shopping. I knew my shopping expedition was blessed. =) and then…rain, fog, rain /with/ fog, cloudy, cloudy, cloudy. Such is Maine in May. Last year we had 40 straight days of fog! Not everything is open yet, alas, but all my favorite stores are still here, so I’m cheerful. Unfortunately, I’m never in town when they’re open! This year I do not live in town, I live about a 15 minute drive away in Trenton. Thankfully, I have a lovely quiet room on the corner facing the water, and the view is spectacular. I have a private balcony and a nice firm bed, so aside from it being a little chilly, I’ll be quite comfortable. I’ve only had the motivation to unpack my car so far, so my room is strewn with bins and bags of stuff not put away. It’s pretty terrible, but I hate unpacking! I can’t avoid it now, though – I’ll be here for six months and I will not live out of plastic bins for six months! I would go insane. So, hopefully with the correct application of bouncy music and caffeine I will feel like folding and stowing and stacking and organizing and making things feel like home. Hopefully.

It’s so nice how everything is coming together. Summers never fail to delight me these days – my job was here waiting for me and people seemed genuinely happy to see me, and have me back in my old position. My second job starts on the 26th, and I have my schedule worked out and settled with my coworker. People remember me, and I’ve already been invited to gallery openings, spinning groups, dinner meetings and movies. My favorite yarn shop wants to sell my yarn, and my room has an inspiring view. So, lately I’ve been driving around being delighted with myself – somehow I managed to draw all these threads together and form something fun and pleasing and truly enjoyable. I’m still left feeling a bit rootless, though – especially with my room in disarray and the grey skies and the silent sounds on the other end of the phone. Bad days make me wonder where this is going – this life thing I’m working on…will I drift back and forth forever? I enjoy my job, but is it a job or a career? If this is a career…what about all those other musings I’ve had over the years? Should those be given up, clung to, altered? It feels like I have one foot on either side of a doorway and can’t decide what room I should walk into, but by hovering in indecision I’m keeping myself from doing a hundred other things available in either room. I’m just scared of that door closing, of making a mistake and choosing the wrong thing and never being able to get that back.

I suppose that’s the final descent into adulthood – choosing a room. The permanence draws me in and scares me all the same. My own house, my own couch and door and closet and quirky floors and strange neighbors draw me one way – constant internet connection! Never driving twenty four hours straight ever again! My own permanent phone line! But then…there’s the scary dark things drifting around – economic insecurity, making rent, property taxes, things falling apart and having no-one to call, robberies and fires and floods. Just thinking about dealing with it all – especially the money and job considerations – makes me feel a little dizzy and ill. But until I settle somewhere, aren’t I just pretending at this stuff? Imagining myself some sort of independent person, but running away from all those hallmarks of maturity others treasure – an address, a phone number, mailmen and a neighborhood watch and assorted keys? I don’t know. I crave those things and run away from them at the same time, and it’s all very confusing.

A little voice in my head says facing my fears and just plopping somewhere is the most mature decision, but a slightly louder little voice tells me that this moving life is just as valid an option and I really shouldn’t feel slightly guilty about it at all. Traditional life is changing…and who knows, perhaps this modern nomad thing is the next hot lifestyle, along with green living and co-ops in Manhattan?

Let’s dwell on that thought. Who knows, next year I might figure out a way to work all summer and travel all winter, and then what an interesting life this will be!

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Comments»

1. thelode - May 23, 2006

spectacular that you made it and things are so right as rain with you! That’s splendid indeed. That mature decision thing and doing the right thing and settling down thing and the expectations and the other things … I hear you on that. You seem sane for now. Sanity is overrated and yet necessary at times it would seem.

appreciate your posts. have a spectacular best summer of your life (to date).

:)

2. thelode - June 5, 2006

June 5, 2006 and zero updates …..

there are fans out there waiting …..
and those fans need to learn patience i guess!

;)

hope all is well!


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