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Slithy Toves September 12, 2006

Posted by brianna in Verbosity.
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Why is it so difficult to do things when one is depressed? See? After that sentence I merely stared into space for thirty seconds because not one recordable thought drifted through my mind. It’s like those horrible cliched scenes in Westerns where the tumbleweed scuttles across some dusty road in some abandoned town. (My mind is the road, see how clever I am with my similes?)

Today I….went to bed at 8am because lately I have a very difficult time sleeping at night. I had a few really terrible dreams, and a few merely bizarre ones, and then woke up and opened the computer. One of my favorite websites had been updated, and I think that was actually the highlight of my day. Various people got emails regarding actual employment, yet no emails were received. I rinsed some wool I’m dying for an exchange, re-washed it, and separated it into locks for combing. I then mixed a different shade and washed more fleece and stuffed it into my dye jar. This is now cooling in the kitchen. I had some ice cream. And then some chips and salsa. And then a moment of severe insecurity regarding my chin. I wallowed in patheticness for a bit before doing some spinning but not really enjoying it much.

…fascinating.

My nails are nice and pokey and long. This is one nice thing.

The silence is deafening. Sigh. I felt exactly this way roughly one month ago, and that night I got robbed, so let’s hope that doesn’t happen again, huh?

I want to find a place to ride my bike. There are trails in south Florida, but singletrack is unappealing alone (I am in constant fear of the endo) and that would also involve loading up the bike and then wasting gas driving there and back and grrr.

The major downside of being depressed is when all the ’emerging from depression’ options seem more unappealing and too difficult and far away every day, but it seems the rest of the population thinks you should simply walk out the door and get on the bicycle or join a group or do a little dance and go to sleep at night and everything will be much better! I then feel lazy and pathetic which makes me feel more depressed. It comes and goes in cycles and I know in two weeks I’ll have sort of forgotten about all this and how miserably frustrated and sad I am, but right now I just want to disappear.

Bad, bad day. Whine, whine, whine. Poor little me. etc.

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Comments»

1. thelode - September 13, 2006

you are a right on and real person.
another great entry.
maybe this website update
is a highlight of a day for somebody
just like what happened to you.

Glad you are surviving, sometimes that’s almost more
than we can do.

;)

2. Kanako - October 7, 2006

I thought I was feeling a little depressed lately so I took one of those online depression tests…., and the results told me that I was moderately depressed. Well, it made me even more depressed. It certainly does not help to be labeled officially depressed, does it? What helped me was to read your blog and find that you were surviving. Thank you, Brianna.


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